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Reader's Question: "I know I need to forgive someone but I genuinely don't want to. How do I start?”

The word “need” is doing a lot of heavy lifting here. Need according to whom? Forgiveness as an obligation is a very different thing than forgiveness as a choice you make for yourself. The first one feels like a trap, while the second one feels like freedom. Let's make sure we're talking about the second one.

Before I answer this, here's what I'd want to ask you if we were sitting together:

• What does forgiveness actually mean to you?

• Where did you learn that definition?

• What do you think happens to you and to them when you forgive someone?

I ask because forgiveness means radically different things to different people, and your answer will inform how to approach. For some people, forgiving means excusing, forgetting, or releasing someone from accountability. If that's your definition, of course you don't want to do it, and I don’t blame you.

I should also name that what you experienced likely exists somewhere on a spectrum. Forgiving a friend for a betrayal is a fundamentally different situation than forgiving someone for something that caused devastating, lasting harm. I want to make sure I don’t conflate the two since I don’t know your particular circumstances.

Regardless of the situation, forgiveness is something you do for the architecture of your own life, not a gift you extend to someone else. And while there’s a version of forgiveness that can involve the other party, as there may be a repair conversation that can restore trust over time, this is not required. Forgiveness is more about you.

People have asked me: But, what if what the person did was extremely bad?

If this is a situation that involves serious harm, abuse or violence, then all the more reason for forgiveness to be more about you and not so much the other person. Forgiveness is ultimately a reclamation of your own power because it’s you calling all your attention and energy back from something that tried to take it. Your power belongs with you.

Forgiveness certainly does not mean what happened was acceptable, and it does not remove anyone from accountability. That person can remain fully on the hook for what they did. Forgiveness is an act of permission you offer yourself. This permission allows you to stop being anchored to that situation or wound on an endless loop. In doing that, you get your power back.

Try this: Write a letter you will never send. Address it directly to the person or people involved. Don't try to be nice. Say what needs to be said about the impact of their actions. You can scream, cry, curse, use all CAPS, it doesn’t matter because they won’t ever see it. At the end, write something to the effect of: “You/This situation no longer has power over me and (as applicable) I forgive myself.” Afterwards, you can tear it up into a million pieces, you can throw it out, safely burn it, drop it in the mailbox without any addresses or stamps. However you choose to get rid of it, just be sure you do it with the intention of releasing the tightness that was keeping you bound to that experience.

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